Answers…finally

This week has been a week of answers for me.  Sometimes I think what makes a difficult situation even worse is not having answers and not fully understanding what’s wrong.

That’s where I was at.

Over the past year, since my mom and Carl were killed, understandably I have struggled with many ups and downs and crazy emotions…and no emotions…and many other different things – physical and emotional.  It was when it continued on for months, and months…and then over a year…I finally decided, this is not normal and I needed to go see my doctor.

{Note:  There’s nothing worse than having a “not so great” doctor…and there’s nothing better than having a great doctor!  God has blessed our family with an absolutely great doctor!  Keep reading!  I’m sure you’ll agree!}

A little over a week ago I came across a book that literally made me jump out of bed and grab a pen…and underline, star and circle, and underline some more on page, after page, after page.  For several days, I carried the book to a little coffee shop that’s a 40 minute walk from our house and I would read and read, as I drank my coffee.  I took it to town with me, just in case I’d have an opportunity to read it.  I couldn’t put it down.

Lord?!  Is this it??  Is this my answer?!  I thought for sure it was, since it described exactly how I was feeling.  I was excited, but scared a the same time.

Like I mentioned earlier, I knew I needed to call and set up an appointment with my doctor.  Before then, I was hesitant to go because I really struggled putting into words how I was feeling to anyone, let alone my doctor, and if I couldn’t explain it to her how could she help me?  I was afraid she would say something that made me feel even worse, so I put off going.

Finally I called.  Thankfully, they could get me in on Wednesday.

On the day of my appointment, I was in my room talking with my girls.  “What do I say??”  “How do I start??”  “What if she says this…or that??”  It was good just to talk it out with them, as they put most of my fears to rest, and assured me they would be praying.  Ok Lord, with Your help, I can do this!

A few hours later, armed with a piece of paper with a few notes jotted down, I walked into the doctor’s office (with one of my daughters in tow…moral support, ya know!  Yeah, I actually thought I’d “freeze” or just start blubbering and forget everything I wanted to talk to her about, so my daughter C came with me to help out if I needed it…there…now you know the truth! 😉 ).

After I chatted on and on…rushing through it so I wouldn’t forget anything…Dr. S. looked at me and said, “Let me say right here that I don’t think you’re depressed, you’re not going crazy, and you don’t have dementia!  But if I change my mind on any of those things as we continue to talk, I’ll let you know!”  I love this lady!!

Since I had mentioned to her the book that I had read, she nodded and agreed wholeheartedly that I did indeed have “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.”  I had always thought PTSD was something only military people had after living through horrific situations in battle, but I have since learned it affects people who live through many other traumatic things.

Oh you don’t know how thrilled I am that the Lord has given me some answers!!  And I know He will continue to help me in the days ahead.  I do not…do not!!…want to use PTSD to define me or to use it to excuse unChristlike attitudes or behaviour in me.  I want to continue walking with the Lord and let Him heal me and help me through this.  I truly want to use it to point others to HIM and not myself!

I won’t – and can’t – really write specifically about PTSD right now because I don’t even understand myself yet…I only know what I’ve read and some things my doctor told me.  Saying that, just so ya know, I’m also not planning on turning this blog into an “all about PTSD” blog.  I want to continue writing about what the Lord leads me to write about and if He never wants me to write about PTSD again, I’m ok with it.

Although I’ve been dealing with many symptoms of PTSD for months, I’m just now starting to learn about it, and I know I have things to work through.  With the Lord’s help, I plan to do what I need to do to heal and come through this.  It will take time, but I am confident He will guide my every step, just as He has done thus far.

Even finding the PTSD book was totally from the Lord!  I was digging around for a vintage looking “fold out” fan that had been my moms and I wanted to find it to put in my Bible case (for hot flashes, of course!).  As I dug through a basket behind our bedroom door I came across the PTSD book.  (I didn’t even know we had it and we still don’t remember where we got it.)  As I picked it up, I just felt an assurance from the Lord that it held some answers for me and I needed to read it.

Another amazing thing the Lord did was during my doctors visit.  As I was telling Dr. S. how I was feeling, I assured her that I was not mad at God…and neither was I mad at the driver that killed my mom and Carl.  I mentioned to her that as I stood at my mom’s grave last September that I thanked the Lord for taking my mom, because I know that He only does what is best for us.  I also told her that God has put thankfulness in my heart, and that when I was walking the other morning, it just welled up inside me and I said in my heart, “God, you are so so good to me!”  She put her hand to her chest and teared up and said, “You’re going to make me cry.”   Another time she had to get up and get a tissue because she was going to cry.  (Honestly, I didn’t realize she was getting emotional…I guess I was too intent on what I was telling her).

At the end of my visit, she stood and asked me if she could give me a hug…I’m tellin’ ya, that was sooo sweet!  I told her that we sure appreciated her and that our family just loved her and she looked at me and said, “I love you guys, too.”  Wow.

Not only am I thankful for how well my doctor’s visit went, I’m also very thankful for the help and encouragement I got from a godly pastor’s wife that I talked with today on the phone.  I wanted counsel from someone who walked with the Lord.  How good the Lord is to give us what we need, when we need it – that’s just what He did for me again today.  I hung up the phone encouraged, but exhausted.  I feel so emotionally drained…but happy.  And thankful.  It’s been a unbelievably rough 16 months, but God has been beside me every step of the way.

If you’re going through a hard time right now, let me encourage you to keep looking to the Lord for your help and strength.  He’s the only One that can truly get you through.  Keep reading His Word, even if it’s reading and rereading the Psalms.  And keep praying…talking to Him.

I told the pastor’s wife today that most of the time I just don’t have any emotion or feeling when I pray.  Feel so flat most of the time.  Reading through my list.  (I’ve been actually pretty discouraged about it lately!)  And do you know what she said??  “Well, Mitzi, I guess you’re just going to have to live by faith now, aren’t you?!”  Oh how I laughed!  An age-old, simple truth.  I needed the sweet reminder.  Thank you, Lord!

Isn’t He good?!

P.S. If you think about it, please pray for our family as we travel tomorrow and as my hubby preaches Sunday through Wednesday; my girls will also be singing.  Thank you!  We really appreciate it!