August 16, 1993

22 years ago today, after reading some in my Bible, I walked out of my bedroom and headed for the boys room to hang up one of their shirts.  As I walked into their bedroom, I stood in shock as I saw my husband doing CPR on our son Benjamin.  Little Levi, who was almost 4, was sitting on his bed with wide eyes.

After taking Levi to the girls room, I told them all that Benjamin wasn’t doing well, and we dropped to the floor and prayed.  I told them to stay in the room and I called to Joe asking if he’d called 911 yet.  He had, so I called our pastor and his wife and told them that we had found Benjamin in his bed not breathing.

A few minutes later…it seemed like an eternity!…the ambulance called to ask exactly where we lived.  I tried to explain, while frantically telling them that Ben wasn’t breathing and his lips were blue.  (They weren’t far away, but we lived in the country and the houses weren’t clearly numbered.)  After hanging up, I ran outside to stand by the road and wait for them.

As I stood there I saw a neighbor, who must have heard the call on his scanner, running along the road pointing to our house as the ambulance rushed by.

I led the crew up to Ben’s room.  One of the guys stopped in the doorway when he saw Ben and whispered, “Oh God, its a kid.”

Not knowing any of Benjamin’s medical history, their first concern was abuse/neglect since he was so thin, but when we told them about Benjamin’s 1-1/2 year battle with cancer, they understood what they were dealing with.

I don’t even remember them telling me Benjamin was gone…they probably did…I just remember kneeling beside his bed sobbing, telling him that he was finally with Jesus and not suffering anymore.

The rest of the day is a blur.  The coroner came.  Our pastor carried Ben to the ambulance that was still waiting there and they took him away.  A social worker had come at one point and she had taken the kids and tried to explain to them what had happened.  Then she came and sat on the edge of my bed with me, trying to comfort me.  She told me it was ok to be mad at God and without hesitation, I turned to her and said I could not be mad at God!!  He had been so good and so gracious to us through Ben’s whole illness…what would we have done without Him?!

My journaling back then was pretty sporadic.  I journaled some through Ben’s illness, but with all the hospital and doctor’s visits, physical therapy and being mommy to 6 little kids, my writing was hit and miss, to say the least, and sometimes pretty brief, when I finally would sit down and take up my pen again.

I have quite a gap in my journal then… On October 10, 1992 I wrote about a full body MRI that Ben had done a couple of weeks previous, and our neurosurgeon calling and telling us that things were spreading, Ben’s brain tumor was growing again, with additional tumors growing; our 1-1/2 year old daughter was getting her cast off her leg (I didn’t mention in my journal that I laughed until I cried in the ER, while I waited for the x-ray results, telling me she had broken her leg.  My husband was out of town at a church meeting and having dealt with the seriousness of cancer, a broken leg…and the man next to us “passing his suppository”…I lost it and I laughed until I cried.  I’m surprised the doctor didn’t turn me in!  I mean, who laughs when they have a child that just broke her leg??).  I also wrote about Joe and Benjamin traveling to see a “natural doctor,” since we had basically been sent home from the hospital with an endless supply of morphine and the words, “there’s nothing more we can do.”

I wrote:

“I pray that if God spares our sons life that Ben will grow up loving the Lord with all his heart and bring glory to His name all his life!”

My next journal entry wasn’t until a year and a half later…

April 14 – Thursday morning – Pickle Lake, Canada

It’s good for me to read back over what the Lord’s done in our lives.  I get so down sometimes that I feel no one cares anymore.  Well, maybe they don’t but I know ONE Who does care and what a Friend He’s been to me!

My Friend took our son, Benjamin Home to be with Him.  Ben is now safe (and pain free!!) in the arms of Jesus.  What a precious thought!  But painfully precious.  I miss him oh so much!  I wish he never got sick – never had to get poked, how he hated that!

Benjamin, I’m happy for you!  I rejoice that on August 16 that Jesus, in His mercy, came and peacefully took you up in His arms.  Now you can walk and run and eat any thing you want!  How happy you must be!  I wish you would’ve never had to experience the constant pain that you felt.  I (and your daddy!) would have bore it for you – though I think we did in some ways.

What a brave, sweet little fellow you were.  I know you dreaded every “poke” – any added pain to you was not relished, I’m sure!

But you loved Jesus and lost souls – especially J [our neighbour’s husband who was lost].  I’m thankful for the tender heart you had.  I remember how you felt bad for having to wake us up at night to give you tylenol for your pain.  But God let you sleep all night once in a while – how refreshing that must have been for you.

The other day I thought of something that was very special to me.  I was thinking of you being up there with Jesus – in His arms.  (I think about you every day!)  Then as I thought about Jesus and how He lives in my heart – well, it made you not seem so far away.  I know it may be stretching things a bit but it was comforting to my hurting heart.

As of today, I cannot see any real profit or help your sickness or Homegoing has been.  I know people were blessed by watching your sweet spirit and our faithfulness to Jesus but I have to wonder was all we/you went through necessary or worth it?

God makes no mistakes!  I do know that, so I’ll just trust Him to have His will and way in all things.  Even though I can’t “see” the “whys.”

Yes, I’ve been helped too.  My other children are more precious to me – I see how short life can be.

I cry out to God so often now and He’s become more precious and a refuge (that I’ve realized now).  

I long to hear of someone – especially J – coming to Jesus for salvation because of my precious son.  But God’s will be done.  I just want to remain faithful.  And with Jesus by my side and His Word to guide me, I want to shine forth the light of Jesus and let others see Him in me!

What a Friend I have in Jesus!  I’m glad He’s your Friend too, Ben.  I can’t wait to see you again and to hold you in my arms.  Oh God I miss you!

The past several months my body just doesn’t let me cry…they say its the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, since my mom’s sudden death…sometimes tears come, but rarely.  As I sit here typing about Benjamin, my hands shake at the keyboard, but tears won’t come.  Reading my old journal entries, it seems like I’m reading about someone else, not what we’ve actually lived through.  Yes, I’m sure its some because of PTSD, but I also really believe its God’s amazing grace, working and pouring out into my heart.

 22 years later, August 16, 2015, I can still say – “I get so down sometimes that I feel no one cares anymore.  Well, maybe they don’t but I know One Who does care and what a Friend He’s been to me!”

Do you feel overwhelmed?  Do you feel that no one cares and that there’s no one you can turn to, to pour your heart out to?  Let me recommend to you the Lord Jesus Christ!  He’ll be a Friend like no other!

Do you know the hymn “What a Friend We Have In Jesus?”  Why don’t you sing it right now, in the quiet of your heart.  Sing it as a prayer to the Lord…the best Friend you’ll ever have.

What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful,
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
Take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy-laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
Thou wilt find a solace there.

I’m so glad He’s my Friend!  And I hope He’s yours!