It is well with my soul

{I wrote most of this post a few days ago…so the “today” is actually not today, but…well, a few days ago.

I know.  Profound.

I just wanted to make things clear…tho my dad did say one time that I had a way of making things “clear as mud” when I tried to explain something.  So if you understood all that, then you, my friend, are a genius! And I…am not. Period. 😉 }

Just a few weeks ago, my blog celebrated its very first birthday. 🙂  One whole year!  But unlike most one year olds, this little blog of mine has actually gotten “quieter” rather than “chattier.”  And it wasn’t for lack of trying!  I have sat and typed…and typed some more…but just couldn’t seem to finish one whole post, though I have several drafts that I have started…and not finished.

Sigh.

Today I spent most of the morning and a large part of this evening trying, once again, to blog…and it was like treading peanut butter.  (You just don’t get very far treading peanut butter, let me tell you.  Whew.)

After I went on a 40 minute power walk on the treadmill hoping to clear my head, Joe and I decided to go for a walk outside.  (It was our very first walk of the year – such a beautiful, spring-like day today!  Ahhh, I love it!).  On our walk I talked to Joe about my struggle to blog.  One of the things I mentioned was maybe the Lord just didn’t want me to do it anymore and I needed to shut it down; but before I could get the whole thought out of my mouth, he said, “No, Mitzi. I really don’t think so.”

I told him that I have prayed and asked the Lord if there was something between me and Him that was hindering me from writing anything on here and I didn’t have any clear answers from Him.

Until this evening.

While I was again trying to write some more, I picked up one of my journals to look for something. As I was going through it, I saw something I had written about a month ago, and it was kind of an “ah-ha” moment.  I had written about something that I felt that the Lord wanted me to change.  Something very, very simple.  But I wasn’t doing it.

Out of rebellion?  No.  I had just totally forgotten about it.  Totally.

But the Lord hadn’t forgotten and He wanted me to remember.  And because I had asked Him earlier today if there was something between me and Him, He graciously had me look through that journal this evening so I would see it and obey Him.  After closing down my computer and taking care of what He wanted me to do (& even as I was in the process of doing it!), the Lord clearly showed me what He wanted me to write about for my next post.

*Lesson learned: if God’s voice is silent and you don’t know why, ask Him if there’s anything you need to “fix.” He will show you! 😉 *

I’m going to share with you something that I already shared briefly in this post.  That was almost a year ago, so today I want to give you whole story.  I want to tell you about when I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior.  Other than choosing who you’ll marry, this decision is the most important decision you will ever make.

So here’s my story…

My dad was saved when I was four years old and soon after that we moved to Ohio to be near my dad’s sister, who was also a Christian.  Right away we started attending a gospel preaching church.  In 1970, when I was about 6 or 7, I remember hearing a sermon about hell and during the invitation I went forward to pray with someone.  A lady took me back to a room and though I don’t remember what she said, I remember bowing my head and praying.

Through the years I doubted my salvation quite a bit, and feared I was going to go to hell.  I have vivid memories of looking out our back door and praying, asking the Lord to save me if I wasn’t already saved.

When I was a junior or senior in high school, an evangelist came to our Christian school and preached for one of our chapel services.  He preached on hell and he preached it hot and heavy.  Many kids went to the alter.  I was one of them.  And again I prayed for the Lord to save me.

Even though I prayed again, I still didn’t have peace in my heart.

Several years later found me married to my college sweetheart and living in Georgia with our two sweet baby girls.  We were also starting deputation to raise support to go to Canada as missionaries.  We were thrilled to be chosen to serve the Lord on the mission field.

Through the years after high school, I doubted my salvation on and off and after marrying Joe, I would talk to him about it.  I am so thankful that he never tried to assure me or convince me that I was saved.  Instead, he would let me talk and he would use God’s Word to try and help me figure things out.  And I know he prayed for me a lot.

In April of 1988 Joe fasted and prayed for me for 6 days (I knew he was fasting for a few things, but I didn’t know that one of those things was me).  He knew I struggled and was praying that the Lord would make things clear for me.

He didn’t see an answer to his praying and fasting until September of that same year.

By that time, we had baby Benjamin added to our little family; our first son.  With three little ones in the house in just 3 years, there was rarely a quiet moment.  Yet there were still times when the house would get unusually quiet and I would have fear wash over me that the Rapture had happened and I was left behind.  I would hurry through the house to see if I was the only one left behind, only to find the girls quietly playing in their room, and baby Benjamin laying quietly in his crib.

It really bothered me that I was afraid I would miss the Rapture.  One evening I sat on our bed talking with Joe, asking him why I feared not going in the Rapture.  I told him that I knew that I knew that I knew I was saved, so why was I afraid??  Why didn’t I have peace in my heart??

Again, he didn’t try to reassure me that I was saved.  He just took me to God’s Word…and I know he prayed.

One morning, not long after a “missing the Rapture scare,” I went to our bedroom and grabbed a little New Testament and knelt beside our bed.  I remember praying and asking the Lord to please show me if I was lost or saved, because I just didn’t know.  I thought I was saved, but I couldn’t understand why I didn’t have the peace that the Bible said would come with it.

I opened my New Testament and after turning just a few pages my eyes fell on Ephesians 2:8,9 ~

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:

 Not of works, lest any man should boast.

It was a very familiar passage to me, having grown up in church most of my life, but that morning I saw it in a totally different light.

As I knelt there thinking about whenever I would give my “testimony,” it struck me that it was always –

I was raised in a Christian home

I went to church 3 times a week

I went to a Christian school

I worked at a Christian camp in Canada for two summers

I went to a Christian college

I married a preacher

We’re going to be missionaries in Canada…

I…I…I…

It wasn’t about the Lord and what He had done in my life; it was all about me.  Every time.

“…Not of yourselves…Not of works, lest any many should boast.”

I don’t know how to explain it, but at that very moment I just knew – I knew! – that I was lost.

I still asked the Lord to show me one more verse and the next verse that stood out to me was 11 Corinthians 11:13-15 ~

For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ.

And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light.

Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also be transformed as the ministers of righteousness; whose end shall be according to their works.

I thought if Satan, the father of lies, can transform himself into an angel of light, then I could live a good life, and even be a missionary and still be lost.

Right then and there, I bowed my head and asked the Lord to save me.  Yes, I had done it many times before, but what made this time different was that I was putting all my trust in God and what His Son did for me on the cross for my salvation…not on all my good works or anything I (!!) had done.

And at that moment, for the very first time in my life, I truly had the peace of God that passeth all understanding in my heart!  And it has never left!  Ever!

September 22, 1988, my name was written in the Book of Life!  I was so excited!  I left our bedroom and found Joe sitting at the kitchen table reading his Bible.  With tears in my eyes I told him that I had just gotten saved…and you know what he did??  He jumped out of his chair and started jumping up and down, rejoicing with me!  God had gloriously answered his prayers!

That night was our midweek service and our pastor would often ask Joe and I to come up and sing before he preached.  Before we sang that night, I asked Joe if I could say something.  I turned to the people and told them that I got to lead someone to the Lord that day.  Several of the men shouted “Amen!” Then I told them that I led myself to the Lord…and after a pause, one man in the back said a weak, “Amen.”  Almost seemed he was really saying, “Amen…I think.”  (It still makes me chuckle every time I think about it or share it with someone. 🙂 )

After the service, several folks came and gave me a hug and I’ll never forget what one lady said to me, as she hugged me – she said, “We both know you were already saved.”

I’m not sure why she said that, but I do know she had no idea the turmoil I had been in all those years.  Living the “Christian life” without God and without His peace.  Even though it hadn’t even been 24 hours since I had gotten saved, the difference was so definite that I still knew I was truly saved – no matter what she or anyone else said.

*****

Dear mom (or dad), let me say something to you here: if you have a child that is doubting their salvation, listen to them and share any scripture that you think might help, but please don’t tell your child that they are saved. And let me say, that no matter how old your child is, don’t tell them or reassure them that they are saved. I knew a middle aged lady that came to me with tears, saying that she had doubted for many many years whether she was really saved or not. We talked and prayed together and I told her that I would pray that the LORD would make it clear to her whether she was saved or lost.

Months, maybe years, went by (I don’t remember how long) and I saw the lady again. We got to chatting and it came up about her struggle. She was quick to tell me that she had talked to her elderly mother and she (her mother) had told her that she remembers when (& where!!) she had prayed as a little girl to get saved. And as far as I know the lady is still leaning on that as her assurance of salvation.

Am I saying she’s lost?? Absolutely not! But don’t you think the Holy Spirit (her Heavenly Father) could have given her that assurance? No where in the Bible does it tell us to reassure others of their salvation. That is HIS job…& He can and will give that assurance to the searching heart (or He can and will send conviction for the need of salvation, if that is what is needed).

*****

So today, over 27 years later, the peace that only God can give still lives in my heart, and I can truly say that

It is well with my soul!

I would love to hear your testimony!  Email me (you’ll find my email address above on the “contact me” page) or leave a comment below.  Or better yet, you can pop in for a visit and we can chat over coffee (or tea, if you insist 😉 ) and you can tell me all about it – now wouldn’t that be fun?!!

God bless!  Hope you all enjoy the rest of your week. 🙂