A late night post

The past few weeks have held some good, encouraging changes for me.  I’m almost afraid to hold my breath…almost afraid to mention that I’m actually feeling better than I have in a very long time.

Since my mom died suddenly 2-1/2 years ago now, my whole body, soul and mind have been in one big, jumbled up mess.  I feel like I’ve been in a big black hole that I’m just swirling and swirling around in.  Months and months will go by and I just can’t cry.  {let me insert here that a few weeks ago Joe and I were in town together and while we were driving around I mentioned to him that I felt like I needed a good cry, but just couldn’t.  It just gets all bottled up inside.  With real compassion in his voice he said to me, “Mitzi, I wish I could say something to make you cry.”  And that made me laugh!!  How many husbands want to say something to make their wives cry??!  lol!  What a sweet man I married!! 😉 }  I’ve also had a hard time sleeping, and I’ve felt very “flat” emotionally.  A lot of typical PTSD stuff.

Guess you could say, I’ve been on a “trip” that I would have never signed up for and to be honest with you if there was somewhere I could have gotten off, I would have.  I’ve had times where I’ve just wanted to quit.  I get tired of pushing through every day.  Pushing past my feelings (and not living by them) and doing what’s right instead of what I feel like.

Its been hard.  Everything has seemed hard.  Even the things I once enjoyed…

Fast forward one year…

Yes, I started this blog post a year ago.  June 22, to be exact.  One whole year later and the Lord continues to help me and heal me.  Last Fall I noticed another distinct improvement; another icky layer falling off.  I can’t say I understand what I’ve gone through anymore than I did a year ago, but I’m taking every step forward as a good sign and I am hoping…longing…for the day I can just feel all better again.  I was chatting with a friend in Texas the other day and I told her that I felt like I still have pieces of a crusty shell hanging onto me and I just want to shake it all off.  But just like with a caterpillar…actually a butterfly…that is breaking free from it’s shell, it has to go through that whole process…and the timing is just perfect…for it to have the strength to fly when it’s free of its tight little cocoon.

Timing.  God’s timing.  Wait…

And when it’s time….step back and watch the beautiful, graceful butterfly flit around and drink up all the sweetness from God’s beautiful flowers.  Ahhhh!  That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

Well, I feel like that butterfly, all enclosed in my cocoon.  Wanting out…wanting to be free.  Pushing, straining.

I have to remind myself that its all in God’s perfect timing…

Sigh.

Oh how the past few years have been dry.  Frustrating, too.  Encouraging in the tiny bits of progress I see, but still dry.  Like you see with this post (and I have a few more “in the hanger” that I’ve started and never finished), I’ve just been stuck.  Dried up, with no words.  At least a group of words that I can put together that make sense.

I have had thoughts.  Tons and tons of thoughts.

While I’m sitting in church and my favorite preacher is preaching (that would be my husband, in case you’re wondering 😉 ), he’ll say something and I jot it down.  Sometimes the thoughts come while I’m riding in the car, or sitting at my desk…I’ve got pages and pages of thoughts I’ve written down.  Stacks (literally!) of paper with random thoughts scribbled down.  I just finished a journal and it has about 20 “flags” in it with thoughts that I want to develop into a blog post.

On top of all the thoughts, and bits and pieces of paper, I have an urgency to write.  Seems everywhere I turn, I feel a nudge from the Lord to write.  A book I’ve read, something someone says…I can’t ignore it.  So I know if He wants me to write, He will give me the words.  Words to help and encourage.  Challenge and uplift.  Words to spur others on through the tough times, and the mundane.  Whatever He wants, I want to share.

I’ve started writing out our son Benjamin’s sweet little story.  5 short years, yet he made such an impact on others.  I can’t wait to share what God did through him.

I’ve also got pages with some of my thoughts about depression.  Christians and depression, to be more specific.  I do hesitate to write about it, partly because I really don’t understand it or know how to really explain it, but I have had a personal walk with this thing we call depression and I feel like it is something that people are afraid (or ashamed) to talk about.  It is a very touchy subject and one most folks would rather not talk about, and there are even folks that don’t believe we as Christians can be depressed…such a touchy subject, and I do hesitate to broach the topic…  But, God in His great wisdom, has seen fit that we have looked depression right in the face and have come out the other end better for it.  So, I just want to share some things that we’ve learned through that journey.

I’ve gotten the “ok” from my preacher hubby to share my thoughts on “taking up our cross.”  As I was reading that passage in my Bible a while back, I saw it in a different light than what I’ve always heard it preached and I shared it with Joe and asked him if my thoughts were “heresy.” haha!  He said no and told me to go ahead and share my thoughts on those verses…

Another desire that has been on my heart for quite some time is to provide downloadable prints of Bible verses and some watercolor…again, I’m working on it and am far from where I want to be, but I’ll share those sometimes too.  (Below is a verse/painting that I did for my sister-in-law recently)

I also want to share recipes on here now and then.  I have already started my post for “The Best Homemade Tortillas” and even have an overload of pictures to go with it.  I mean, as Christians, we are told to be hospitable to others and what better way than to make something yummy to share!

So, please pray for me.  I truly do believe the Lord has asked me to start blogging again.  But if He doesn’t help me and give me words I am not going to jump on here just to fill a page with “nothing-ness.”  But I also realize, the words aren’t going to just randomly show up here without some work on my part.  So I would really appreciate your prayers.

And if you’re reading this, thank you.  Thank you for coming back and taking the time to read my rambling, scattered thoughts this evening.  I appreciate it more than y’all will ever know.  (That must be my Virginia heritage coming out there 😉 )

Its after midnight and I am about to turn into a pumpkin so I better go to bed.

May God richly bless you all and I hope you are enjoying your summer.

P.S.  One of the things that makes me hesitate to post is feeling like I have to have everything “perfect.”  “Just like so-and-so’s.”  Well, as you can clearly see, this isn’t perfect, but I wanted to share a couple of my thoughts and pictures regardless.  I have a lot to learn: in writing, and painting, in scanning the pictures and editing them in Lightroom, but here they are anyway!  😉

Good night!